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| " So what'd you do for your birthday? D'you have fun?"
"...I got older."
I shouldn't be at the age where birthdays have lost their luster. Where it just simply marks that you've survived another year, where it actually becomes a depressing day because you still have memories of when your birthday was special and something to be anticipated weeks in advance.
...I "got older." Before I've even hit the 21st b-day milestone. Growing up a bit too fast here.
While last year wasn't exactly ideal (working most of the day, etc). I still enjoyed it a bit. Someone still took me out to dinner after my shift ended. I still got to have some fun.
This year, working would've been a blessing, because it would mean that I'd actually be earning money that I so desperately need.
Instead of receiving gifts, I'm spending my last dollar on bills. I'm spending my day sitting in the corner of the DMV crying because I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm facing the prospect of not having money for school and even the most basic of living expenses. If I drop out of college, I add on more bills because hey, I have to pay off my loans. And then, yay, sick little me no longer has health insurance. I will no longer be able to afford prescriptions. I'll be totally fucked.
I haven't been spending money recklessly either. In fact, my social life has gone down the shitter because people feel... Bad for me. It makes it weird because when they go out somewhere, I can't afford to tag along. I can't have people paying for me all the time, and I know it puts a burden on them.
...So I opt out.
Even on my birthday, there was no cake. No dinner. I curled up in bed and just wanted the day to end.
And I love how FAFSA says that my "expected family contribution" is like, $30,000. Oh god, would that be a blesssing. My parents haven't been paying a damn thing for me. Textbooks? My burden. Tuition that isn't covered by federal loans? My responsibility. Medical bills? My problem. Groceries, everything. Mine alone to pay, when my hours have been cut down to the point that I feel unemployed.
It isn't laziness. I want work. I fucking want it. Application after application, and I'm getting more and more discouraged as time goes on.
And my friends say they can "understand."
No, you can't. You can't comprehend this when you can go to your parents every single time you come up short for cash, which I sure as hell can't do anymore. You're still being fed by the food that they pay for. They cover all your medical copays. They cosign on huge private loans for you to go to an overpriced school.
No. You don't fucking understand. You don't have to consider selling off your possessions on your fucking birthday so you don't get sent to collections for not paying your bills. You get to stay in school. I appreciate the attempts at empathy here, but it isn't cutting it. I still respect you for taking care of your own expenses most of the time; god knows there are too many that can't even manage to do that, but you still have that safety net. It's not quite the same.
- Music:One and Only - Matt Pond PA
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| My friends tell me I seem to be turning into a bit of a guy magnet. And they're right. ...Except it only seems to encompass a very small subset of men: the brokenhearted ones. Yep, I'm that girl. The rebound. These guys are usually extremely sweet, we often end up having significant overlapping in interests, and things... Seem to click. It'll start out with ridiculously long-winded conversations, progress into a "date-like" activity, then moves into the flirting. And right away, the fucking. It'll continue--we'll hang out, talk frequently, and the sex turns into a constant. And that's where it all goes to shit. Don't get me wrong: I have no opposition to casual sex. Given the right circumstances, it can be a positive experience for both parties involved. But for me, that "little spark" grows into something way deeper... It leads to huge problems down the road. Who can blame me for getting attached? These aren't just random one-night-stands. These span over months before they end, by which point I've already gotten to know the guy fairly well. And the way they act toward me is hard to not fall in love with. These aren't your stereotypical "nice" guys. These guys are eager to get some physical intimacy, but are experienced. As a result, the sex for the most part, ends up being amazing. But of course, why should that instantly lead to attraction on a deeper level? Because they AREN'T like the typical fuckbuddy. These men are usually emotionally wounded and fragile--not in a pathetic, desperate way, but in a quality that makes them more emotionally available. More often than not, some of the mannerisms that they had from a previous relationship will carry on unconsciously. Without realizing it, they'll accidentally treat me in some ways, the same way they treated their girlfriend. I don't hold it against them. I've dealt with the post-breakup feelings, and I can certainly understand why they don't want to jump into a relationship right away. And for the duration of the time we spend together, this does not bother me. When it ends though, then it hurts like hell. The way in which it happens varies in time and degrees. Sometimes it happens progressively--conversations will get shorter, they'll start to only call me when they want to get laid... I can at least brace myself for the inevitable and work on trying to let go of any of those feelings. It still is rather painful for me, but not quite as bad as the instantaneous ones. They happen without warning, one second things will be great, and the next, they're exiting the singles territory.... Without me. As it seems, I'm the girl they can have fun with but not the girl they fall head over heels for. And I don't comprehend it. Because all I hear em talk about when they first meet me is how "different" I am. Or how they wonder how the guys aren't all up ons me. I attract the moderately geeky guys. Yet... Whenever I see the girl they end up with after me, she fits most of the female stereotypes. Why is it that I always hear guys complaining that geek girls are so rare, yet they'll immediately jump to the complete opposite end of the spectrum the moment they regain confidence after a nasty breakup? This has happened many times; to the point where I have the inability to even open myself up to a relationship. Anytime I meet a guy now, I'm worried that it's history repeating itself. So I'll close myself off emotionally. Not let myself get "too" close to them, which of course, they are going to interpret as me not wanting an exclusive relationship. Damned no matter what I do, but... I can't let myself get involved unless I know that they really want me in more than just the physical sense. Unless they take initiative, make it obvious, and are willing to go the extra mile to show that they don't just want something to stick their dick into. And if things move relatively quick, I know what's to come. I'll stop trying to uphold conversations with them, because everything always is just going to lead to "come over so I can fuck you." (they might not outright say it, but I'm not dumb, I know what their motives are for having me stop by). And it's not always the heartbroken guys. Sometimes it's just the guys that know exactly what they're doing. It's so deliberate, the way that they blatantly mislead me. Some would say that it's inevitable, given that I've hardly ever dated a guy within even five years of me (given my current age isn't that far from jailbait territory, I know your "illegal" radars are going off... Yeah, I know. Even at a much younger age, I'd dig the older guys. So sue me.). But sometimes I've seen it work, just not in my favor. Multiple times, the guys have maintained an exclusive relationship with a much younger female close to my age. Yet again, color me confused. What the fuck am I doing wrong? I can't have it both ways anymore. If you want me to be your fucktoy, then from then on out, just be upfront. I'm not exactly a prude, if I'm feeling it, I'll be willing to do the NSA sex. But it can't go beyond that. There can't be those little conversations on the side all the time, whatever. Don't even attempt to pull the whole "friendship" bullshit. I can't keep letting myself get attached, only to have things get shattered for me on a whim. My views on how relationships work have become so skewed, and despite the fact that I'm the one who has constantly been brokenhearted in these situations, my friends have the nerve to look down upon me as though I'm some horrible slut. I don't actively choose to be in these situations. Personally, I'd choose amazing sex + relationship over amazing sex any day. Have I made mistakes lately? Of course. But who can blame me? I'm totally fucking lost right now when it comes to this, and it's nearly impossible for me to discern whether or not someone has pure motives. I'm young, I know. I don't expect a ring on my finger or anything, I'm not desperately hunting for some guy to "settle down" with. But is a little bit exclusivity too much to ask for? Hell, I don't even cringe at the idea of sex in a non-relationship situation, but dammit, there can't be something else there when it happens. There's too much risk involved. Especially given that I'm still very vulnerable right now, it's too damn easy for me to fall for someone the moment that there's even the smallest of connections or intimacy. I know it's not the end of the world. I know I'll be able to move on and deal. I try so hard not to dwell on it; hell, I try to enjoy the benefits. But I'd be in serious denial if I said that this isn't taking an emotional toll on me. Cynicism is starting to creep in. This isn't working for me anymore. ''I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem...'' | |
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| Seriously, my love/sex life is starting to feel like a strip of Questionable Content (except multiply the complexity by... a lot) or something. We're going to need some thumbtacks and colored string to explain this one. We're not even talking love triangles here. We're talking 'bout possible love rhombuses (rhombi?), or possibly even--dare I say it---a love pentagon. (I know my geometry!)Oh yes, it's gotten to that point. I've come to the conclusion that:
a.) Milwaukee county is just getting too damn small. There shouldn't be this many obscure connections between people in totally different age groups + different schools + different cities.
b.) People need to stop beating around the bush with their feelings. I'm sick of trying to decipher whether the person wants a fuckbuddy or something more.
c.) multiple dates in a short period of time is a BAD idea.
d.) I'm apparently incapable of finding/being attracted to anyone under the age of 23 (and even that's the lower boundary for me). I'm guessing this is a problem.
Trust me, the four points above could be expanded into a freaking novel. Anytime I've tried to explain the fine details to someone, the person just sits there with a dumbfounded look on their face, and a completely honest 'I have no fucking idea what to tell you.' Or I get a bit of harsh judgment because of what I've done over the past week or so. It doesn't help that the few people I have talked about this with have little to no relationship experience or haven't had to deal with a situation even as remotely fucked up as this one. Normally I'm good at overanalyzing and figuring out my problems. Now even I'm at a total loss as to what I should do. How I miss the days where it was only simplistic, petty drama that could be easily avoided or subverted. Thank god I start up classes in a few days; now I can focus on important shit instead of getting myself into these messes.* *Correction: This is a lie. School = oh god I don't have enough any money. | |
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| Academic probation. Not getting kicked out. Let me first, be grateful that I chose to get all those credits over the past 4 years to boost me up to sophomore status; otherwise I would've been dropped for a semester.
Two, let me say: lesson. Fucking. Learned. I'm working my ass off this semester, even if it comes at the expense of fun, a social life, and my sanity.
I fully intend on being off of academic probation by fall semester. I will have a non-shitty job before then.
My life has been a fucking mess since September. This needs to stop.
- Music:Muse - Stockholm Syndrome
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| Truth be told, things haven't improved too significantly since my last ranting post. In some sense, things have gotten worse. During the semester, I felt completely lost. What do you think is going to happen when you've gone to the same school district with the same people for... 12 years? Yeah, I lost close friends to graduations and things of the sort, but I always had at least one friend moving on with me, or simply had the familiarity of classmates that I've known for years, making adjustments to new schools or classes far easier to deal with. I went from having a fairly decent social life, to, well... *B--who--while she's like a sister to me, had become distant. Distant school, distant job, distant boyfriend. Schedules conflicted, and let's face it, you can't rely too much on a single person without appearing to be the needy, clingy, crazy girl.
*Derek, who seems to be falling in with a bad crowd. Nothing wrong with drug experimentation, but the way he's going about it, and the people he's doing it with? It honestly scares me. I almost feel like I'm partly to blame, as though, had I kept in touch more with him, none of this would be happening. And I might lose him soon if the charges aren't dropped and he goes to prison. I've known this boy since he was shorter than me; and the thought of not having him around anymore... It's bad.
*And, the boy. Out of everyone, the person I've spent the most time with this semester. Really, one of the only people in Stallis I've truly had left to rely on at least slightly. However, this brought me much distress. You take into account that I was going through the post-high school confusion/depression phase, and that predisposes a person to forming attachments more easily. And attached, I have become; a bit too much for my own good. Well, I wasn't sure as to where this whole thing stood (and I admit, I still kind of don't). Just a temporary friend with benefits? Something more? Remains to be seen. Point is though, given my emotional state, I definitely couldn't do "friends with benefits;" and I constantly would go from being so happy with him to feeling kinda miserable because there would be the concern that I was just a temporary fuckbuddy until some hotter piece of ass came along. While I have finally sorted things out, I have to confess that there is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that this all isn't going to work out. The age difference has always made me reluctant to make a move in this regard, which probably isn't helping my case.
I didn't want to admit it because I didn't want people to be concerned that I was falling back into bad habits or anything, but... I did go through a pretty bad depressed phase this semester. I couldn't adjust. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning because I felt that damn miserable. Even a few weeks ago, bottled up emotions spilled out at work and I was bawling my eyes out during the middle of my shift.
My reasons are way more justified than they ever were. My job brings me no joy, have no one there I can relate to anymore (the only people I do get along with are a few of the supervisors and stockers, but I never get to work with them). School just felt... Empty. Pointless. I used to be so academically motivated, and that seemed to just drain out of me within a week of starting. No cross country or running of any sort. No extra-curriculars. My activities were replaced with solitary gaming, a sedentary lifestyle, and nothing more. I began turning into the stereotypical geek in the worst possible sense.
And so, I fucked things up. I felt like things didn't have a purpose anymore. Sure, rarely I'd have an hour or two at V's with a friend to catch up on how things were going, smoke a bowl with a friend (which I haven't done since the end of Sept.), or I'd have a night of physical pleasure... But at the end of the day, those things were too far and few in between, and were the only things I had to look forward to. There was also always that fear of losing even those things.
I was stuck in the whole "I hated high school bs, but dammit, I want to go back." Because things were kinda spiffy back in high school. I had lots of friends, lots of hobbies and activities, and despite the whole grade capping thing, I did seem to have my shit together academically. Once I started college though:
I shut down mentally. Felt too drained to do anything. Became apathetic towards my job, knowing that no matter how much I worked my ass off, it wouldn't get me anywhere, and to top it all off, wouldn't even provide me with the money I needed.
And I stopped giving a shit about any of it. Stopped trying to maintain friendships that were quickly fading due to distance, stopped being so OCD about my job, and stopped going to class.
When it didn't feel like there was a purpose to any of it, I lost my way. I fucked things up. Allowed relationships to slip away, and... Completely fucked myself over academically.
Good ol' Nikki is probably getting kicked out of school. Former honor roll student, former class "genius", and yet out of everyone from Hale's class of '08 that is continuing their education, I'm the one who failed in the worst way possible.
You can't undo things like this. Sure, you can retake courses, raise your GPA, but academic drops and F0s remain on your transcript forever. Getting your shit together the next semester doesn't change the fact that you essentially pissed away over $3000 in three months, which, given how poor I am right now, is a whole fucking hell of a lot of money. You can't get that money back. It doesn't change the fact that you're going to have to work 3x as hard now in order to keep your ass afloat and redeem yourself. It doesn't change the fact that people are never going to see you in the same light again--as that intelligent, reliable girl that you used to be.
Oh, and there's no guarantee that after attaining <1.0 semester GPA* that UWM will even accept you back right away. Academic drops may only be for a semester, but you still have to go through an appeals process and all that other fun stuff.
*yes, it's THAT horrible. So embarrassingly horrible that it took everything in me to even admit that I messed up that badly.
Before, I may have been depressed. But now, I'm panicking AND I'm depressed. I don't want my friends to go back in January. I don't want to swallow my pride and go to MATC. And yes, as fucked up as this may sound, I am worried about how others are going to perceive me after this. And why would I get offered undergrad research opportunities after they see what I did the past three months? And how the fuck am I even going to afford school to begin with? I'm looking at my PAWS account balance and pondering how my minimum wage job where my hours are getting cut off is even going to begin to cover my tuition.
Motherfuckin' bitchcakes. | |
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| Remember that part of Once a Runner that described "letting the demons loose"? (can't find the passage, but that entire part is absolute genius). Anyway, I need that... Badly at this point. Thus, running. Consistently. I don't give a shit how physically horrible I'm feeling. If even that one moment of freedom and release is experienced through miles of mind-numbing pain, if I feel like some semblance of a void has been filled, then... I'll do it. It seems like no matter how f'ed up things were at any given time in my life, if I had distance running and put myself through that on a daily basis, everything seemed better. Gotta let those demons out somehow. And based on how much of a mess my life has been (especially during the past month, even more so during the past week), running seems to be the only outlet I'm going to have. No local friends. None of the activities I had to bring fun and happiness last year. Hating college with a fiery passion right now. Despise my job, and it's not even paying the bills at this point. Tried to solve all of the above, and I'm failing miserably. Really don't have much to go on. ...And I seem to be out of emergency rum. So there you go. Running seems to be the only answer.
And I freaking hate being so emo/rageaholic all the time lately. So this is the last time you're going to hear me bitch about any of this shit.
(and this is such an eloquent entry to describe my life, ain't it?)
- Mood:cynical
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| 1.) Gmail Goggles?
So yeah. I think anyone could say that they'd be more likely to send drunken texts or make drunk phonecalls; in fact, I don't think it'd even be possible for me to send emails while intoxicated (I'd be far more likely to make an idiot of myself over Facebook, or in person). But yeah, Gmail goggles. It forces you to do a number of math problems in a limited amount of time. If you fail, no email sent. You can set it up to activate only at certain times (it defaults to late nights on weekends, for obvious reasons). But for those weird ones who do use email as their primary form of personal communication, I suppose this could be of good use. I can't vouch its effectiveness. Even when you go to the highest level of difficculty, the math problems are still pretty damn easy, and I'm pretty sure that my basic operations skills don't decline that horribly after a few shots. Even so, as one user pointed out, it still forces you to take a good minute or so before you can actually send that drunken email to your ex... Or your boss. And that's something. 2.) Google apparently <3s XKCDWhen I saw this comic, I thought, 'If only..' Well, Youtube recently added an audio preview feature to their comment system, which is conveniently placed right where the "post comment" button used to be. Considering the sheer idiocy of some of the Youtube commenters, I doubt this is going to make a difference, but dammit, it made me smile today when I saw it. Though I think it'd be far more effective if they made the audio preview voice more... Dramatic. I think it'd get the "you're a moron" idea across far more effectively. | |
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| Okay. So I gots a couple ton of bills to pay next month. I certainly don't get paid enough, and those bastards keep ignoring my requests for more hours to compensate for that low pay.
So, I need some suggestions on how to make some cash, quick.
I've already been willing to make myself a pharmaceutical company's bitch. I signed up for as many paid clinical trials as I'd possibly qualify for.
Yay for getting pumped up with new, untested, potentially dangerous drugs? At least the MRI one is free of that. Point is though, you can get paid a lot for those; so hopefully, I'll get accepted into at least one of them.
Of course, I need more than that. Most of these aren't starting for a while, and the chances of me actually being one of the human test subjects is unlikely. I need some creative thinkin' here!
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| You know, last night I looked back on last entry and I kind of decided: "Nicole, you need to cheer the fuck up in life right now."So I figured I'd get a start on that by actually fixing the messes in my life instead of bitching about them. Hey, I'm going to get my ass back on track as far as school goes! I bored myself to death pouring over the minute details of Morton's craniometry studies, for so long that I didn't go to sleep and was being fueled purely by Adderall and copious amounts of caffeine. But I walked into that room with full confidence in my ability to test well: 'I'm gonna make this test my bitch.' (something like that. Use your dirty, dirty imaginations to determine where I was going with that one. Otherwise I'm gonna have to mark this one for adult content.\). Oh, but no! The test format is changed from last time. And now, it's only an essay where I have to cover a long list of points and topics and oh god I'm panicking. I can pretty much sum this experience up with... A graph (a shitty one, at that).  **another note--prescription meds = legit, so don't start assuming crazy shit here. I'm sick right now. ***and the curve should be more positively skewed. I didn't have that much. ****And yes, I know, my handwriting sucks. And I need to get to the damn point here. Anyone who has done the whole "all nighter + dex right before an essay" thing can vouch for the truth of this. Point is, I started out well with my intro paragraph and briefly summarizing scientific objectivity, and then my essay just went downhill, with me spending way too much time on a single topic and disorganized bits of Morton's studies. I had written a lot, and I mean, a lot of pages. But looking back, I didn't touch upon half the key points I was supposed to, and I was trying to write so quickly and I was freaking out so much that I couldn't recall the exact data alterations made in the Crania Americana studies. Go me. Maybe I'll luck out and get a D on this one, or my professor will tire quickly of my long-winded, stimulant-fueled ramblings and give me an automatic A. (hey, if a certain someone can get an A, so can I. Unlike some people I haven't been drinking when I should be going to class... I just don't go to class). ...And I should be going to sleep instead of making stupid graphs. But alas, I'm not. See, I'm really not learning from my mistakes at this point. | |
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