As it seems, I'm the girl they can have fun with but not the girl they fall head over heels for. And I don't comprehend it.  Because all I hear em talk about when they first meet me is how "different" I am. Or how they wonder how the guys aren't all up ons me.  I attract the moderately geeky guys.  Yet... Whenever I see the girl they end up with after me, she fits most of the female stereotypes.   Why is it that I always hear guys complaining that geek girls are so rare, yet they'll immediately jump to the complete opposite end of the spectrum the moment they regain confidence after a nasty breakup?

Oh yes, it's gotten to that point. I've come to the conclusion that:
a.) Milwaukee county is just getting too damn small.  There shouldn't be this many obscure connections between people in totally different age groups + different schools + different cities.
b.) People need to stop beating around the bush with their feelings.  I'm sick of trying to decipher whether the person wants a fuckbuddy or something more.
c.) multiple dates in a short period of time is a BAD idea.
d.) I'm apparently incapable of finding/being attracted to anyone under the age of 23 (and even that's the lower boundary for me).  I'm guessing this is a problem. 
 

Academic probation.  Not getting kicked out.  Let me first, be grateful that I chose to get all those credits over the past 4 years to boost me up to sophomore status; otherwise I would've been dropped for a semester.

Two, let me say: lesson. Fucking. Learned.  I'm working my ass off this semester, even if it comes at the expense of fun, a social life, and my sanity.

I fully intend on being off of academic probation by fall semester.  I will have a non-shitty job before then.
My life has been a fucking mess since September.  This needs to stop.

 

During the semester, I felt completely lost.  What do you think is going to happen when you've gone to the same school district with the same people for... 12 years? Yeah, I lost close friends to graduations and things of the sort, but I always had at least one friend moving on with me, or simply had the familiarity of classmates that I've known for years, making adjustments to new schools or classes far easier to deal with.  I went from having a fairly decent social life, to, well...

*B--who--while she's like a sister to me, had become distant.  Distant school, distant job, distant boyfriend.  Schedules conflicted, and let's face it, you can't rely too much on a single person without appearing to be the needy, clingy, crazy girl.
*Derek, who seems to be falling in with a bad crowd.  Nothing wrong with drug experimentation, but the way he's going about it, and the people he's doing it with? It honestly scares me.  I almost feel like I'm partly to blame, as though, had I kept in touch more with him, none of this would be happening.  And I might lose him soon if the charges aren't dropped and he goes to prison. I've known this boy since he was shorter than me; and the thought of not having him around anymore... It's bad.
*And, the boy.  Out of everyone, the person I've spent the most time with this semester.  Really, one of the only people in Stallis I've truly had left to rely on at least slightly.  However, this brought me much distress. You take into account that I was going through the post-high school confusion/depression phase, and that predisposes a person to forming attachments more easily.  And attached, I have become; a bit too much for my own good. Well, I wasn't sure as to where this whole thing stood (and I admit, I still kind of don't). Just a temporary friend with benefits? Something more? Remains to be seen.  Point is though, given my emotional state, I definitely couldn't do "friends with benefits;" and I constantly would go from being so happy with him to feeling kinda miserable because there would be the concern that I was just a temporary fuckbuddy until some hotter piece of ass came along. While I have finally sorted things out, I have to confess that there is that lingering thought in the back of my mind that this all isn't going to work out.  The age difference has always made me reluctant to make a move in this regard, which probably isn't helping my case.

I didn't want to admit it because I didn't want people to be concerned that I was falling  back into bad habits or anything, but... I did go through a pretty bad depressed phase this semester.  I couldn't adjust.  I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning because I felt that damn miserable.  Even a few weeks ago, bottled up emotions spilled out at work and I was bawling my eyes out during the middle of my shift.

My reasons are way more justified than they ever were.  My job brings me no joy, have no one there I can relate to anymore (the only people I do get along with are a few of the supervisors and stockers, but I never get to work with them).  School just felt... Empty. Pointless. I used to be so academically motivated, and that seemed to just drain out of me within a week of starting.  No cross country or running of any sort. No extra-curriculars.  My activities were replaced with solitary gaming, a sedentary lifestyle, and nothing more.  I began turning into the stereotypical geek in the worst possible sense.

And so, I fucked things up.  I felt like things didn't have a purpose anymore. Sure, rarely I'd have an hour or two at V's with a friend to catch up on how things were going, smoke a bowl with a friend (which I haven't done since the end of Sept.), or I'd have a night of physical pleasure... But at the end of the day, those things were too far and few in between, and were the only things I had to look forward to. There was also always that fear of losing even those things.

I was stuck in the whole "I hated high school bs, but dammit, I want to go back."  Because things were kinda spiffy back in high school.  I had lots of friends, lots of hobbies and activities, and despite the whole grade capping thing, I did seem to have my shit together academically. Once I started college though:
I shut down mentally.  Felt too drained to do anything. Became apathetic towards my job, knowing that no matter how much I worked my ass off, it wouldn't get me anywhere, and to top it all off, wouldn't even provide me with the money I needed.
And I stopped giving a shit about any of it.  Stopped trying to maintain friendships that were quickly fading due to distance, stopped being so OCD about my job, and stopped going to class.
When it didn't feel like there was a purpose to any of it, I lost my way. I fucked things up.  Allowed relationships to slip away, and... Completely fucked myself over academically.
Good ol' Nikki is probably getting kicked out of school. Former honor roll student, former class "genius", and yet out of everyone from Hale's class of '08 that is continuing their education, I'm the one who failed in the worst way possible.

You can't undo things like this. Sure, you can retake courses, raise your GPA, but academic drops and F0s remain on your transcript forever.  Getting your shit together the next semester doesn't change the fact that you essentially pissed away over $3000 in three months, which, given how poor I am right now, is a whole fucking hell of a lot of money. You can't get that money back. It doesn't change the fact that you're going to have to work 3x as hard now in order to keep your ass afloat and redeem yourself.  It doesn't change the fact that people are never going to see you in the same light again--as that intelligent, reliable girl that you used to be.
Oh, and there's no guarantee that after attaining <1.0 semester GPA* that UWM will even accept you back right away. Academic drops may only be for a semester, but you still have to go through an appeals process and all that other fun stuff.
*yes, it's THAT horrible.  So embarrassingly horrible that it took everything in me to even admit that I messed up that badly.

Before, I may have been depressed. But now, I'm panicking AND I'm depressed.  I don't want my friends to go back in January.  I don't want to swallow my pride and go to MATC. And yes, as fucked up as this may sound, I am worried about how others are going to perceive me after this.  And why would I get offered undergrad research opportunities after they see what I did the past three months?  And how the fuck am I even going to afford school to begin with? I'm looking at my PAWS account balance and pondering how my minimum wage job where my hours are getting cut off is even going to begin to cover my tuition.

Motherfuckin' bitchcakes.

Gotta let those demons out somehow.  And based on how much of a mess my life has been (especially during the past month, even more so during the past week), running seems to be the only outlet I'm going to have. No local friends.  None of the activities I had to bring fun and happiness last year. Hating college with a fiery passion right now. Despise my job, and it's not even paying the bills at this point.  Tried to solve all of the above, and I'm failing miserably.  Really don't have much to go on.

...And I seem to be out of emergency rum.  So there you go. Running seems to be the only answer.

And I freaking hate being so emo/rageaholic all the time lately.  So this is the last time you're going to hear me bitch about any of this shit.
(and this is such an eloquent entry to describe my life, ain't it?)